its a mad mad world

I’m a regular fellow. I live a regular life. I wear regular clothes. I have a regular job. So what I say next is not only irregular but just plain weird. I cannot explain it. I don’t think anyone can. I’m hoping you can.

So the story begins like this- once upon a time on a sunny day in North Carolina. Or wait, was it California. Well, it doesn’t really matter. I woke up to an incessant ringing, the damn alarm clock, an hour late. I don’t know how people can function like clockwork. Waking up with the first ring, it’s unnatural. The ringing doesn’t do it for me, I don’t even hear it. And then I hear an annoying sound at the back of my head, and then...

But I digress. I finally got dressed and left. And what I saw was complete chaos. In front of me was a miracle. It was a miracle that there wasn’t a comical pile-up of cars yet. There were cars everywhere- going in every possible direction. There were cars on the pavement! What was going on?

As I came onto the main road, I saw the strangest sight. A guy crossed the road with traffic coming right at him without batting an eyelash. The man walked onto the pavement and right into the wall. He stepped back, smiled and rubbed his forehead. Some people get so crazy when using cell phones. But then this man, smiling and rubbing his forehead walked into the wall again. And then he stepped back rubbing his forehead, smiling. And he walked into the wall again. As I drove on, the man continued with his bang and rub routine.

I looked to my solace in this situation, the traffic signal. The traffic signal is possibly God’s greatest creation. Ten years back, we got rid of those awfully slow and useless traffic policemen. I can’t believe they were ever even used, it’s sad. They never did anything useful except stand there. With their potbellies. Traffic signals are so much better. All they have to do is change colour. And everyone moves. And change colour and everyone stops. It’s miraculous. And then it changes colour again. And everyone moves again. It’s a wonder really.

But today my solace had given way to confusion; my support had given way to doubt.

The traffic signal... GASP... it’s OFF!

Oh no.

                                                                                    *

There was an insane sound in the air, something I had never heard before. They were called horns I think, or honkers.  They were the vestigial organs of a car. I had never used them. Not in my entire life.

Today everyone everywhere was using them. Honking incessantly. Why?

I saw a car stop in front, gas emanating from its front. I saw a car being used as a barbeque grill by the pavement. And wait, is he? That man just shoved another man into the trunk. What is going on?

And is that man? Is he attempting to use the two cars as rollerblades?

And just at that moment when I thought the world went crazy, what I saw next is what convinced me that the world, had in fact, gone cuckoo.

Two cars coming in opposite directions at 200 mph crashed into each other. They didn’t even attempt to swerve out of the way or anything. They just came at each other and BANG!

The two men came out of the car and stared at each other. It all seemed like déjà-vu. Like an old western flick. I could practically hear the music. But unlike them, there was no shooting. Or screaming. What there was was uncontrollable laughter. And back-slapping. And then they got into the cars and drove off. Life is wrong. Seriously wrong.

I think I’m going to go home and wait this storm out. The traffic signals will return and then I will come back onto the streets. The safe streets. Where all you have to do is change colour.

                                                                                  *

Finally. That dickhead was such a pain in my a**. Owes me money and dares to not give it. Finally I found him, let him fester a while in that hot trunk. And then let’s see what happens. Tries to cheat me. Hmfph.

Oh no. Another robot. I don’t get it. We get rid of those damn mind-control traffic signals and the robots go to the dogs. How did this one survive? Will have to go call RAWC (robot alien world control). Damned robots.