FIRSTS

She woke up. A cold sweat breaking out on her forehead. That dream was a little too real. She had almost…

No.

She couldn’t entertain thoughts of this kind. It was wrong wasn’t it?

Was it?

It didn’t start out like this. It started out as an innocent friendship. It always does. And in this day and age, why would you think it is anything out of the normal?

                                                                                           *

Sam is a normal, regular teen. Sam isn’t one of those shallow, harebrained youth you see nowadays. Sam was the first one to walk up to her and say hi. Sam thinks she is very pretty. Sam loves playing with her hair. Sam thinks her unruly hair is absolutely beautiful. She wants to hug Sam every time Sam says that. Sam helps her out with her homework, often doing it for her. She buys Sam an ice-cream every time Sam does it. Sam was the first one to wish her on her birthday and bought her lots of gifts. She took Sam out for lunch to thank Sam. Sam once saw that her pen had stopped working and gave one to her before she could ask. She bought Sam a chocolate that time. Sam is her best friend. She is Sam’s best friend too.

But two days ago Sam said she loved her. And she doesn’t love her back.

Or does she?

                                                                                     *

Her life had turned upside down. She wasn’t a lesbian. Or was she?

How was she supposed to answer that question? She hadn’t had a boyfriend yet. Or a girlfriend for that matter. She didn’t know her own body. She might be straight, lesbian or bisexual. Or she just might not like it at all.

How could she tell someone whom she had thought was the most important person in her life; that maybe, after all, she wasn’t. She could be. She surely was up until three days ago. How could three words change that?

Three words and one very forbidden thought.

                                                                                  *

She walked into class later than usual that day. Sam looked to her and silently gestured. Sam had saved her a seat. Sam is always thoughtful. There was a seminar going on. She looked to Sam and smiled. Sam gave her a hand a quick squeeze and blew her an exaggerated air kiss. Sam loves to do things like these. And Sam loves the attention that comes with it. She stuck her tongue out at Sam and turned to listen to the lecture. People around sniggered. They had all sorts of absurd ideas about her and Sam. She got annoyed listening to the rumors. Sam never seemed to mind. Sam was always collected and didn’t care much for perceptions. Sam placed a hand on her leg and she still sat normally. Sam and her were very good friends. They didn’t mind things like this. Nowadays everyone was going around screaming extremes. Why?

As the hour wore on, an already sleepy her was ready to doze and sought the comfort of Sam’s shoulder. Sam readily leaned in and even held her hand. Sam looked to her and began to stroke her hand. The comforting motion didn’t feel wrong. Why would it?

Not until someone muttered something. And a thought sprang to her head. A forbidden idea. And a forbidden image. A forbidden thought. Her and Sam?

                                                                                *

She has been avoiding Sam since then. How could she look at Sam the same way now? She wasn’t attracted to Sam. She knew it. She didn’t feel tingles or flutters or sigh at random points in time. She didn’t look at Sam and feel an overflow of emotion. She knew at least that much about herself.

But what if everyone was right? They stared at her, day in and day out. At her and Sam. They called them names too. They sensed a romantic involvement. And what if they were right? What if she did love Sam? Without any of the silly trappings of love? How could everyone be wrong except her?

So she avoided Sam.

But Sam couldn’t take this. And Sam took the betrayal too hard. Sam didn’t show up at school. She got news that Sam had given up on food and was sick. So she went to see Sam.

Sam started to cry once they were alone.

And Sam said, “I love you.”

                                                                             *

She ran away then. And she didn’t go back to school. But her dreams didn’t give her respite. Nor did her thoughts. All she thought of was Sam. And those three words. And herself. And asked herself. Is it true? Could it be? Should it be?

She doesn’t know yet. But she asked someone. They said, taste all pies. Sam wasn’t a pie. And she wouldn’t experiment. How could she feign love to get knowledge of herself?

So what was she to do?